They Serve Us: Ayrshire's MPs (2) Alan Brown, SNP

"Best no tae smile, Al."
Alan Brown is a 47-year-old ex-civil engineer and father of two who has been the Westminster MP for the Kilmarnock and Loudon constituency since the SNP landslide of 2015, when the party won almost all the Scottish seats in Westminster.

The most obvious point about Brown is his sheer nondescript appearance. In fact he is so bland, boring, and unremarkable that I suspect even his immediate family memebers have trouble remembering who he is, although the comically dark eyebrows probably help to remind them.

He is neither handsome nor ugly, neither young nor old, and wears the same kinds of boring suits that say "jumped-up local councillor," which is more or less what he is, having been washed into the Westminster Parliament, along with a lot of other SNP driftwood, on the 2015 electoral tsunami.

Brown has never distinguished himself in his political career in any way, and his name is also boring and forgettable. Indeed, with a name like that, he may as well be called "John Smith". The fact that he is married with two children and is a life-long supporter of the local football team makes him seem even more dull. 

If there was a competition to choose the dullest MP at Westminster, he would be in with a great chance, even though his wife is reportedly American. 

Probably the most noticeable thing about him for people not from Ayrshire is his thick Ayrshire accent, which was even commented on by Russia Today.

This makes him sound somewhat unintelligent to outsiders, an impression reinforced by his limited input into parliamentary debates, where he never says anything of interest or out of the ordinary -- or maybe the journalists just can't pick it up.

Most of his fellow members of Parliament probably put him in the same mental pocket as Mhairi Black, the young SNP MP from Paisley, as yet another unintelligible Scottish MP sent South by the SNP merely to make the point that Scots don't belong in the UK.

Sadly, Brown is too boring to even reinforce this impression much. Now, if only he were a sour-faced, lesbian school leaver with a voice like an echo in a coal mine, like Ms. Black, he might stick in the English craw much more and help widen the schism between the two nations. But alas he is only a grey shadow with a pair of eyebrows on the SNP benches. 

Anyway, this is no way to represent the constituents of Kilmarnock and Loudon.

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